2024 and my silly little lists

Hi!

Last year on December 31, as I scanned the sky for a symbol of what 2024 would bring, Kyle saw a more explicit and time-sensitive sign: two red lines on a COVID test. Just like that, the new year was off to a bad start. I had a meltdown about our dashed plans for midnight and beyond, but after my mood stabilized, we actually had a pleasant night of crosswords and Housewives; right before midnight, we walked down to the water to watch the fireworks over Manhattan — not where we wanted to be, but not such a bad place after all.

That was 2024: ultimately enjoying myself despite the pangs of despair that punctuated the year. Singing from the lifeboat, finding sleep after the hypnic jerk. Moving on from the bloody palm, the airborne rat, the falling shoe, the hole where the car part used to be, the text about death, the choking sensation. Some of the bad stuff was real, some of it was in my head, some of it was both, some of it happened to you, too, and it all sucked — but I can’t say much of it was surprising. The bad news was all written in the stars, or in a Joni Mitchell lyric, long ago. I turned 30 last month, and the month before I was born, Joni released “Sex Kills” —

Doctors' pills give you brand new ills
And the bills bury you like an avalanche
And lawyers haven't been this popular
Since Robespierre slaughtered half of France!
And Indian chiefs with their old beliefs know
The balance is undone, crazy ions
You can feel it out in traffic
Everyone hates everyone
And the gas leaks
And the oil spills
And sex sells everything
Sex kills

All these jack-offs at the office
The rapist in the pool
Oh, and the tragedies in the nurseries
Little kids packin' guns to school
The ulcerated ozone
These tumors of the skin
This hostile sun beating down on
Massive mess we're in
And the gas leaks
And the oil spills
And sex sells everything
And sex kills

It’s always been bad, it’s always getting worse, but………….. whatever. In my college performance art class, I once sat on the floor and sliced bananas, chanting “whatever” until I didn’t recognize my own voice. “Whatever whatever whatever. WHATEVER. Whaaaaaaaaaatever. WHAAAAAAT. EV. ERRRRRRRRRR.” It felt incredible, like I’d cast a spell that allowed me to metabolize pain and move on. Reflecting on 2024 today, from the bottom of my heart, I am like, “Whatever.” And whatever to 2025, too. I have to shrug it all off and say “whatever,” because I’m on a five minute break from nasty shit happening and I want to enjoy myself. It’s a sunny day when it was supposed to rain, Kyle and I aren’t sick (yet), and I’m realizing as I type this that I’m just saying “no day but today”; all roads lead back to Rent, but again, whatever. Here are my 2024 lists.

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MY FAVORITE FIRST-WATCH FILMS THIS YEAR

#11. Thelma

#10. The Beguiled (2017)

#9. Problemista

#8. Conclave

#7. Twisters

#6. Party Girl (1995)

#5. Lisa Frankenstein

#4. The Fall Guy

#3. Wicked

#2. Challengers

#1. Madame Web

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MY FAVORITE ALBUMS I LISTENED TO THIS YEAR

#10. The Secret of Us — Gracie Abrams (2024)

#9. Wild Things Run Fast — Joni Mitchell (1982)

#8. Coverage — Mandy Moore (2003)

#7. Don’t Forget Me — Maggie Rogers (2024)

#6. Desire, I Want to Turn into You: Everasking Edition — Caroline Polachek (2023/24)

#5. Stereophonic — Stereophonic Original Broadway Cast (2024)

#4. Hotter Than July — Stevie Wonder (1980)

#3. Cowboy Carter — Beyoncé (2024)

#2. Brat — Charli xcx (2024)

#1. Don Juan’s Reckless Daughter — Joni Mitchell (1977)

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EVERY BOOK I FINISHED THIS YEAR (ASTERISK = RE-READ)

• Heartburn by Nora Ephron

• Alphabetical Diaries by Sheila Heti

• All Fours by Miranda July

• Priestdaddy* by Patricia Lockwood

• Very Cold People by Sarah Manguso

• The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell

• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows* by she-who-must-not-be-named

• Real American Dinner Party & Other Short Plays by Jen Silverman

• The Bad Beginning* by Lemony Snicket

• Infinite Jest* by David Foster Wallace

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FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW, I DON’T LIKE WHAT MY LIST OF TV SHOWS SAYS ABOUT ME, SO I’M NOT SHARING IT — BUT WATCH ANATOMY OF LIES ON PEACOCK IF YOU HAVEN’T

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MY FAVORITE LIVE SHOWS THIS YEAR (CALENDAR ORDER)

• The 2024 Jimmy Awards (Minskoff Theatre)

• Illinoise (St. James Theatre)

• Oh, Mary! (Lyceum Theatre)

• Joni Mitchell at the Hollywood Bowl

• A Finger Pointing at the Moon (Elysian Theatre)

• Wicked (Pantages Theatre)

• Sunset Boulevard (St. James Theatre)

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MISCELLANEOUS THINGS I LOVED

• My job/having a job

• My friends’ successes

• The time I knew with complete certainty that I should play the Lil Mama remix of “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne (I was right)

• The time I grew a backbone and was a total bitch to my friend’s ex who I hate

• The rain boots I got for Christmas last year

• Playing Risk to completion for the first time in my life

• Morning movies with Joey

• Nicole’s gallery openings

• Watching Orin’s play from the tech booth

• “Monica… is Reality Von Tease”

• Find My Friends

• KEX Hotel in Portland

• On birthdays, my family sings “Sto lat,” a traditional Polish song that translates to “may you live a hundred years”; my grandma turned 99 in August, giving the song a rare specificity

• Throwing Kyle a The Floor themed birthday party

• Christmas with Kyle

• At Jack and Joey’s wedding when the bouquet toss song was “Von dutch”

• Finally seeing a Haim sister in the LA wild

• Declaring a space “Gay Guy Corner” or announcing the time as “Gay Guy O’Clock”

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MISCELLANEOUS THINGS I LOATHED

• When I got so excited that Jack and Joey’s bouquet toss song was “Von dutch” that I spilled Mo’s drink all over her

• Siggy Flicker

• Reaching my limit with anxiety

• Showers without doors/curtains

• Cats hiding too well

• Chloe moving out

• Why did I think Monday 9AM would be a good time slot for therapy?

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2024 BY THE NUMBERS

Miles run: 417.6

Newsletters sent: 16

Seasons of RHONJ: 14

Months employed: 10

States visited: 8

Broadway shows: 8

Months of long distance: 5.5

Weddings: 4

Scars on my left hand: 2 (1 on each side)

Catalytic converters stolen: 1

New scripts finished: 0

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2025 INS AND OUTS

IN

• Climbing up the ladder to the high dive, so to speak

• Better gossip

• Better cyber security

• Network television

• Fortune favoring the bold

• Loving Los Angeles

• Bullying people who use AI

• Circling the wagons

• Making your stance known

• Eggs

OUT

• Reflecting

• Ad nauseam discussion of celebrity feuds

• Concerts

• RHONY

• Earning points

• Wifi networks with names like

  

• Walking on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting

• Fred 62

• Feeling despair when I see a gay guy’s progress pics

• Cutting it close at the airport