Dispatch from the DDA
Hi again!
500-WORD UPDATE ON MY LIFE
The prodigal son returns to the Garden State; the show I’m working on films in New Jersey, so I’m living at home for the next few months to be on set. “At home” isn’t entirely accurate now that both my parents live in apartments they moved to after I left for college, but I am sleeping on the IKEA bunk bed my dad’s kept since his first Divorced Dad Apartment in 2004, so there’s still some semblance of living in a childhood bedroom1. I would share more specifics about life in the DDA, but my roommate just started reading my newsletter again after this conversation:
David: *finishes saying something hilarious and insightful*
Dad: That reminds me of those online missives you used to write.
David: Used to? It’s only been like a month since my last one…
Dad: Feels like longer…
Turns out he wasn’t checking the right email inbox, although I still kind of think he was being shady. At any rate, he’s tuning in again and I have to censor myself so he doesn’t kick me to the curb. I probably shouldn’t even mention the oven mitt I bought him so he’d stop using this to pull things out of the oven:
Maplewood feels in many ways like a different town than the one I grew up in, but I’ve overheard multiple groups of teen girls discussing a Sarah, so I guess some things never change. The biggest difference living here now is that when I run into people I know, they’re usually holding a baby… and the baby is… their baby… My college friend Lindsay lives here with her husband, dog, and one-year-old; I hung out with them during bath time last night (the one-year-old’s, not mine or Lindsay’s), and we listed as many words as we could think of that started with the Letter of the Day (T). Sorry to flex, but Lindsay and I were both in the Emerson honors program and are ensuring this baby follows in Mommy and Mommy’s Big Gay Friend’s footsteps. While she splashed around, we hit her with “turpentine,” “tarantula,” and “tracheostomy.” Maybe “tummy” and “train” are enough for Suzie Subpar, but in this house, “T” is gonna go ahead and be for “tchotchke.”
A few people have asked me if I miss LA, and the answer is uhh nope! It hasn’t been long enough, Kyle isn’t there right now either, and I’m having too much fun popping into New York to care that I didn’t make it to the Hollywood Bowl this summer. LA is home, but New York is the greatest city in the world, and I can never get enough time here2. I’m as amazed seeing a classmate go on as Elder Price in The Book of Mormon as I am that when I randomly needed a padlock, Maggie marched me to the bodega on the corner and they had one right there! “T” is for I Turn into a country bumpkin when I Talk about my love for this Town.
Since I know you’re wondering: no, I didn’t get to the east coast in time for the Jimmy Awards this year and no, I don’t want to talk about it.
FIVE THINGS GRINDING MY GEARS
“Congrats, grad” lawn signs for elementary and middle schools. I don’t care that the dire state of our education system is such that finishing any grade is an accomplishment — save the signs for high school.
The marketing ploy of movies “filmed for IMAX.” I’m freshly on Lexapro, but it’s the lowest dose I could be on and it’s certainly not enough to get me through an IMAX movie. I saw The Odyssey normal-style and felt completely fine with that choice. Maybe if Greta Gerwig says to see Narnia in 70mm I’ll take the lorazepam my psychiatrist gave me for emergencies, but I’m only doing that for her.
The bottom of the cardboard box I was using to carry eight salads collapsed and there isn’t video footage of my anguish to make me feel slightly better about the incident.
Baseball is so boring. I went to a Brooklyn Cyclones game with Sarah and Elijah and was reminded why I’ve only seen the Dodgers play once in 2018 and why I left that game to go swimming instead. We were at the Cyclones game for the dog-friendly Bark in the Park Day, and the only entertaining part of the game was when the dogs were allowed to do a lap of the field and obviously all pissed and shat everywhere.
One day I will die and my loved ones won’t be able to access my phone because they never remember my simple passcode I’ve shared a million times, and I’ll be standing there as a ghost, pissed and DARING someone to say, “I wish he’d told one of us his passcode.”
TWO PHOTOS AND ONE SCREENSHOT
SOMETHING I SAID AT WORK THAT WENT UNDER-APPRECIATED (SOME COMBINATION OF PEOPLE NOT HEARING ME, NOT GETTING THE REFERENCE, AND NOT CARING)
Coworker: Kelli O’Hara is an overrated singer.
Me: The Beauty Isn’t…
VANITY PLATE ROUND-UP
RED FLAG
IGOTME
MY3MEN
XVIPXXX
CONTEXT
Spotted by Kayla:
DID I EARN THAT BOY SCOUT MERIT BADGE?
Genealogy: No. My brother was briefly a Boy Scout as well, but as you can probably tell from this photo, he didn’t catch the bug like I did.
Nuclear Science: No. Eighteen years ago this week, Breaking Dawn was published while I was at Scout camp. It didn’t take a nuclear scientist to know I wasn’t in a safe space to read Twilight, so I asked my dad to have a copy waiting in his car for me to start the minute he picked me up. He took the mission a step further and disguised the cover with brown paper wrapping, which to this day is his most thoughtful parenting moment.
Energy: No. For good measure I just checked if I’d ever written about that Breaking Dawn anecdote before, and I did in fact tell a version of that story in 2020. I can’t say I love repeating myself, but I’m gonna let it rock instead of writing something fresh because I don’t have the energy to start over at this point. 🤪
A RECENT NOTE ON MY PHONE WITHOUT CONTEXT
BRAVO BASEMENT
Went to Soft Bar with Maggie and Bridget — nice vibe, wish I’d gotten a coffee instead of a $16 mocktail.
I leave this season of The Valley with a new appreciation for Lacy, a new ick for Schwartz, and a continued/eternal flame for Zack.
My brother and I were supposed to bond while I’m in NJ by watching the new season of RHOA together, but we realized neither of us had any desire to continue after the premiere. We’re going to make Ultimate Girls Trip: Roaring 20th our sibling screen time instead.
QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR YOU — GENUINELY CURIOUS, PLEASE EMAIL BACK
Do you think I’m capable of having a good time on Fire Island?
Have you noticed that my glasses are always dirty?
Is there a specific person you feel nervous about running into in your hometown?
What’s something incredible you saw with your own two eyes recently?
Where are you most often in your dreams?
Do you think (or know) there are more rabbits on the east coast, or have I been getting lucky?
Up to your interpretation if this is meant to be complimentary or derogatory.
While I’m spending enough time in New York to feel like “here” can refer to both NY and NJ vis a vis my east coast sabbatical, I swear I’m not doing the thing where Jersey folk pretend NJ = NY.