Let 👏🏻 Sarah Jessica Parker 👏🏻 be 👏🏻 a witch 👏🏻 with an old neck 👏🏻
Hi!
Maybe I’m overreacting. Certainly there are bigger fish to fry. But I’m pissed at whoever retouched Sarah Jessica Parker on the Hocus Pocus 2 poster. “Retouched” is putting it mildly — it’s more like they built her from scratch.
The gleaming eyes and teeth. The teeny bobblehead neck that’s shrouded in shadow. I had six lines as the bookseller in my middle school production of Beauty and the Beast, and that’s twice as many lines as she has on her face. She’s been rendered practically unrecognizable; she looks less like an actress in a ten-ton wig and more like if the character’s Funko doll came to life.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe witches are supposed to look old, not like someone yassify-ed the moon. I know there’s something in Hocus Pocus about the witches regaining their youth and beauty through like eating children, but this poster is a bridge too far. I can’t imagine this is what SJP looks like in the movie. If she does, I’ll happily eat crow (does eating crow make you younger, or is it just kids? Do they eat the kids, or just drain their life force or whatever? I’ve only seen the original movie once).
What do we gain when we photoshop Sarah Jessica Parker? Why does her neck have to be aged down even when she’s playing a 300-year-old witch? Hasn’t she been through enough? Haven’t we all?
Ok, I went on that whole diatribe and then watched the trailer for the movie… now I’m second-guessing myself… maybe she really does look like that in the movie. Maybe that’s her real neck and I’m the one being misogynistic about her appearance. Eh, no, I’m gonna third-guess myself – the poster is still fucked. It creeps me out. It has a striking similarity to the poster for its release date sister, that horror movie Smile. You’ll have to look up Smile yourself – I’ve averted my eyes from the bus stop ad too many times this month to then willingly download the image to my computer. How are movies allowed to plaster their scary marketing all over town where vulnerable people (children, me) can see?
While I’m on a complaining spree: Hocus Pocus 2’s tagline, “We’re back, witches,” sucks. First of all, this is a children’s movie. It’s rated PG. And yet, the tagline’s play on words hinges on the reader's understanding that “witches” is a sub for “bitches.” How am I supposed to explain that to my non-existent kids?? Second: no, you’re the witches. Is this where the comma missing from Don’t Worry Darling ended up?
Well David, if you’re so goddamn smart, why don’t you come up with a tagline? Gladly! My pitches:
Hocus Pocus 2: Hocuser and Pocuser
Hocus Pocus 2: Who’s Ready For The ReBOOt?
Hocus Pocus 2: Now
StreamingScreamingHocus Pocus 2: Fear We Go Again!
Hocus Pocus 2: I Put A Spell On You… Again!
Hocus Pocus 2: Hwocus Pwocus
Hocus Pocus 2: Back To The Booture
Hocus Pocus 2: Time 2 Eat More Children!!!!
Hocus Pocus 2: Joanne, Witch Way 2 The Stage?
These aren’t necessarily good, but I wouldn’t say they’re worse.
While conducting my research on Sarah Jessica Parker for this newsletter (i.e. Googling things like “SJP neck” and “SJP mouth”), I found something in her IMDb credits that either a) I am the first person in a generation to discover or b) you assholes knew about and gate-kept from me. Either way, I’m FREAKING OUT about this Sex and the City + Matrix parody from the 2000 MTV Movie Awards.
Jimmy Fallon could ham it up a skosh less, but other than that? Perfection. Comedy gold. It’s so fucking funny and well-done. That is how Carrie would act in The Matrix!!! I’m stunned that Sarah Jessica agreed to get in that goo. What a team player. Who is responsible for making this masterpiece, and what can I do to thank them??
I’m worried (darling) that you didn’t actually watch the video, so in closing: here it is again.