Let ππ» Sarah Jessica Parker ππ» be ππ» a witch ππ» with an old neck ππ»
Hi!
Maybe Iβm overreacting. Certainly there are bigger fish to fry. But Iβm pissed at whoever retouched Sarah Jessica Parker on the Hocus Pocus 2 poster. βRetouchedβ is putting it mildly β itβs more like they built her from scratch.
The gleaming eyes and teeth. The teeny bobblehead neck thatβs shrouded in shadow. I had six lines as the bookseller in my middle school production of Beauty and the Beast, and thatβs twice as many lines as she has on her face. Sheβs been rendered practically unrecognizable; she looks less like an actress in a ten-ton wig and more like if the characterβs Funko doll came to life.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe witches are supposed to look old, not like someone yassify-ed the moon. I know thereβs something in Hocus Pocus about the witches regaining their youth and beauty through like eating children, but this poster is a bridge too far.Β I canβt imagine this is what SJP looks like in the movie. If she does, Iβll happily eat crow (does eating crow make you younger, or is it just kids? Do they eat the kids, or just drain their life force or whatever? Iβve only seen the original movie once).
What do we gain when we photoshop Sarah Jessica Parker? Why does her neck have to be aged down even when sheβs playing a 300-year-old witch? Hasnβt she been through enough? Havenβt we all?
Ok, I went on that whole diatribe and then watched the trailer for the movieβ¦ now Iβm second-guessing myselfβ¦ maybe she really does look like that in the movie. Maybe thatβs her real neck and Iβm the one being misogynistic about her appearance. Eh, no, Iβm gonna third-guess myself β the poster is still fucked. It creeps me out. It has a striking similarity to the poster for its release date sister, that horror movie Smile. Youβll have to look up Smile yourself β Iβve averted my eyes from the bus stop ad too many times this month to then willingly download the image to my computer. How are movies allowed to plaster their scary marketing all over town where vulnerable people (children, me) can see?
While Iβm on a complaining spree: Hocus Pocus 2βs tagline, βWeβre back, witches,β sucks. First of all, this is a childrenβs movie. Itβs rated PG. And yet, the taglineβs play on words hinges on the reader's understanding that βwitchesβ is a sub for βbitches.β How am I supposed to explain that to my non-existent kids?? Second: no, youβre the witches. Is this where the comma missing from Donβt Worry Darling ended up?
Well David, if youβre so goddamn smart, why donβt you come up with a tagline? Gladly! My pitches:
Hocus Pocus 2: Hocuser and Pocuser
Hocus Pocus 2: Whoβs Ready For The ReBOOt?
Hocus Pocus 2: Now
StreamingScreamingHocus Pocus 2: Fear We Go Again!
Hocus Pocus 2: I Put A Spell On You⦠Again!
Hocus Pocus 2: Hwocus Pwocus
Hocus Pocus 2: Back To The Booture
Hocus Pocus 2: Time 2 Eat More Children!!!!
Hocus Pocus 2: Joanne, Witch Way 2 The Stage?
These arenβt necessarily good, but I wouldnβt say theyβre worse.
While conducting my research on Sarah Jessica Parker for this newsletter (i.e. Googling things like βSJP neckβ and βSJP mouthβ), I found something in her IMDb credits that either a) I am the first person in a generation to discover or b) you assholes knew about and gate-kept from me. Either way, Iβm FREAKING OUT about this Sex and the City + Matrix parody from the 2000 MTV Movie Awards.
Jimmy Fallon could ham it up a skosh less, but other than that? Perfection. Comedy gold. Itβs so fucking funny and well-done. That is how Carrie would act in The Matrix!!! Iβm stunned that Sarah Jessica agreed to get in that goo. What a team player. Who is responsible for making this masterpiece, and what can I do to thank them??
Iβm worried (darling) that you didnβt actually watch the video, so in closing: here it is again.