Quickie newsletter since I don't want to keep you too long from any Thanksgiving meal prep (aren't I thoughtful?)
Hi again!
250-WORD UPDATE ON MY LIFE
So the big update is that Kyle and I now live together! He moved into my place and right away installed seven shelves, five hanging rods, three light fixtures, and this wall of zebras I’ve fantasized about ever since I saw them in Mark Ronson’s AD tour.
I stood by to hand him tools and offer words of encouragement. My current mantra: it’s okay to not be the handy boyfriend, it’s okay to not be the handy boyfriend, it’s okay to…
Cohabitation is going well so far. Now here’s the part where you have to ask yourself: is David a reliable narrator? Maybe he’s posturing to create an aspirational brand identity, or could his relationship be tanking but he’s in flat-out denial? Do we even have definitive proof this Kyle person exists? Where are the receipts? “Going well” – that’s awfully vague! Is David’s goal to obfuscate the truth of the matter, or is he such a limited writer that he can’t describe his own life with any detail or style? Is David a lying piece of shit, terrible at everything, both, or worse?
All valid questions! Listen to your gut and decide for yourself. From my vantage point, cohabitation is going well so far. I take pride in the fact that on our various trips to IKEA, we have never been the couple having a nasty public fight. We’ve actually only had one heated moment in a store, but it was minor and at Target, which doesn’t feel like a relationship omen in the way an IKEA fight does.
(It was over a potential dish rack.)
A LIST: SELECT PROS AND CONS OF MY LIVE-IN BOYFRIEND SITCH
PRO: General quality-of-life improvements: Kyle’s a better cook, there’s the aforementioned handiness, etc.
CON: I have to let go of some of my Secret Single Behavior, and when I brought up the SSB episode of Sex and the City in couples therapy, I got the sense that our therapist didn’t know the reference – making me seriously doubt their credentials.
PRO: Never again will I park on Kyle’s former street where my car got totaled and my next car’s catalytic converter got jacked.
CON: It’s way too easy now to be antisocial homebody shut-ins who spend every night watching old seasons of Survivor.
PRO: We are positively flying through Survivor: Caramoan!
SKIPPING STRAIGHT TO ANOTHER PRO BECAUSE IT FEELS RIGHT FOR THIS LIST TO HAVE MORE PROS THAN CONS, RIGHT?: Access to each other’s superior beauty products (I have better face wash, he has better moisturizing sunscreen).
CON: There’s a distinct possibility he’ll be annoyed to learn here that I’m using his moisturizing sunscreen.
PRO: Daily gratitude that this is my life.
CON: Someone to sit in your chair, to ruin your sleep.
AN IMAGE OF JESSICA SIMPSON I THINK ABOUT A LOT
FIVE SONG PLAYLIST
SOMETHING OLD: “Bag Lady” by Erykah Badu
SOMETHING NEW: “Cowboy Tumbleweed” by FIGHTMASTER
SOMETHING BORROWED: “You First (Re: Remi Wolf)” by Remi Wolf and Paramore
SOMETHING BLUE: “Off Night Backstreet” by Joni Mitchell
SOMETHING ELSE: “Too Well” by Reneé Rapp
LINK TO SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET
A friend recently texted me, “It’s to your credit that your Substack isn’t just a RHONY recap like everyone else’s.” While I appreciate the sentiment and will guard that friend’s identity with my life*, I’m here to beat the allegations that Hi! Hi Again! isn’t part of the oversaturated Housewives newsletter community by insisting you watch this video of Dorit’s children critiquing her clothes.
*Fine, fine, I’ll spill: it was my friend Catch.
TWO RECENT PICS AND ONE SCREENSHOT FROM MY CAMERA ROLL
OVERHEARD
Woman on the phone in Trader Joe’s: “He will definitely notice. It’s really, really, really, really, really noticeable.”
An adult sincerely and thoroughly explaining Duck Duck Goose to another adult who seemed to have never played.
AN APHORISM I BUTCHERED WITH TOTAL CONFIDENCE
“You can’t lead a horse to water!”
VANITY PLATE ROUND-UP
FRUM HVN
MSVIRGO
ALL OK
MVIEMNY
GRL DAD
DID I EARN THAT BOY SCOUT MERIT BADGE?
Camping: Yes. Kind of a gimme.
Fingerprinting: No. Would’ve been useful when vandals at Scout Camp stole our Troop flag in the dead of night and burned it.
Collections: No. Although go figure, now I collect vintage Scout memorabilia.
A RECENT NOTE ON MY PHONE WITHOUT CONTEXT
QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR YOU — GENUINELY CURIOUS, PLEASE EMAIL BACK
Who is someone you like but don’t agree with?
Do you have a signature scent?
What’s a favorite celebrity profile you’ve read?
What’s the worst commute you’ve ever had?
What are you responsible for at your Thanksgiving dinner?
What are you thankful for?
WHERE AM I AS I HIT SEND
On the bean bag I got Kyle for his birthday. Someone to sit in your chair!
WHAT WILL I DO AFTER HITTING SEND?
Make a pie for the first time.