Hi!
250-WORD UPDATE ON MY LIFE
I didn’t write a second newsletter in January because I was focused on other writing projects – sowwyyyyyyyy. Years ago, I sent out a newsletter with the subject line “Late”; I was referencing a deadline I’d set, but people did NOT appreciate the jump-scare of that word in their inbox. Lesson learned!
I’m struggling to write today – not from writer’s block or a busy schedule, but because of a bubble popper fidget toy.
This glitter dragon was only $1 at Five Below, but its true cost is that I can’t finish writing a sentence without picking it up multiple times. Five Below is a discount store; Below Five is my current words-per-minute typing speed.
Felt sad, went to rewatch the music video for “I Know Alone” by Haim, and found this previous search:
Two questions: who the hell is Aloen and how soon can the Haim sisters introduce me to her?
What else is new with me…
There’s a mouse in our kitchen and she’s playing mind games with us.
I called myself a fag during a job interview last week – still waiting to hear back.
No matter how many times I look up Alison Roman’s grocery store on Google Maps, it’s still 2,782 miles away.
Whenever I read Brian Burns’ newsletter
, I feel sick to my stomach because I’ll never write something as sublime.I coined a saying for when someone’s behavior is vaguely transphobic: it’s not TERF, but it ain’t grass.
A LIST OF MISTAKES I KEEP MAKING
Referencing Gypsy Rose Blanchard’s appearance on The Voice when I mean The View
Misreading the name Al Pacino as “Artificial Intelligence Pacino”
Parking too close to the curb and scraping my bumper
Forgetting I’m on camera and rolling my eyes on Zoom
Believing the mouse in our kitchen is gone for good
FIVE SONG PLAYLIST
SOMETHING OLD: “Down to Zero” by Joan Armatrading
SOMETHING NEW: “Halo 22” by Trinket
SOMETHING BORROWED: “Burning Down the House” by Paramore
SOMETHING BLUE: “Nobody” by Mitski
SOMETHING ELSE: “Flagpole Sitta” by Harvey Danger
LINK TO SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET
I know every new reality or competition show feels like a 30 Rock joke, but this one is actually Gold Case-meets-MILF Island.
TWO RECENT PICS AND ONE SCREENSHOT FROM MY CAMERA ROLL
VANITY PLATE ROUND-UP
DRWSTFF
IDEATE
HELPMEE
YAS MAMA
MITTENZ (sent to me by my brother)
DID I EARN THAT BOY SCOUT MERIT BADGE?
Astronomy: Yes. Somehow different from my Space Exploration badge?
Game Design: No. Troop meetings always ended with 30 minutes of game time, and my favorite was one called Rope of Death. We’d form a circle with one scout in the center, and he’d spin around a long rope with a duct-tape-wrapped water bottle at its end. The bottle had enough layers of tape to weigh several pounds, and as the spinner picked up speed, you had to jump over the bottle to avoid getting whacked. If the bottle hit you, you were out; the game went on until there was one scout left standing. True to its name, Rope of Death got gnarly – bruises, rope burns, kids yanked to the ground by a lassoed limb… Anyone want to play? 👀
Disabilities Awareness: No. But our Scoutmasters put the fear of God in us re: deer ticks leading to Lyme disease.
A RECENT NOTE ON MY PHONE WITHOUT CONTEXT
Bouillabaisse dog name?
Observations aren’t critique –Jackie
OVERHEARD
A guy trying (and failing) to pay at Target with Bitcoin.
QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR YOU — GENUINELY CURIOUS, PLEASE EMAIL BACK
What’s a February-specific hope you have?
Can you name the two teams playing in the Super Bowl?
What was the last email you sent about?
Do you use your teeth as tools?
WHERE AM I AS I HIT SEND
The Nook™.
WHAT WILL I DO AFTER HITTING SEND?
Preheat the oven to make five mozzarella sticks.
I have literally no idea how I came to be following you on here… mutual friends? Accident? Someone shared it on Instagram? I dk, but I truly find these so good and so funny. Thank you. 😂