Some stuff about me and then some stuff about the Oscars

Hi again!

Newsletter #2. Wow. We made it.

In case you were wondering: yes, I did panic and internally scream "WAS THIS A DUMB IDEA?" the moment I hit send on Newsletter #1. Within like five minutes I lost a subscriber, and I had to remind myself that I explicitly, repeatedly encouraged that (which I stand by, I do, I swear!). The panic subsided, but it made me realize how much I want certain people I think are cool to think I'm cool. So if you're one of those people.... please comply!

Here's a thought that made me chuckle to myself: what if this newsletter were a social experiment/performance art piece where each week I just reported how I felt about sending the previous newsletter, over and over and over, with the goal of discovering how long it would take for everyone to unsubscribe or stop opening the email?

In terms of data on who's reading this, I can't see who opens the email but I can access the number of people who have. It's definitely better that way, but if I could choose a number of specific people to magically track, I would choose.... three? Does that sound like a healthy number? Also, does anyone else remember that takedown piece on Lauren Duca in which the author was like "I emailed Lauren and used a special software that showed me when she opened the email and how often she clicked on it again"? I am haunted by the revelation that someone can do that to me. Technology has gone too far.

Moving on to some riveting personal news: the other day I went to the dentist for the first time in at least three years. I was nervous I'd be in trouble, but the dentist said he was jealous of my “naturally dense teeth,” which are apparently pretty cavity-resistant. That being said, my gums are fucked. The dentist recommended a procedure where he makes a pinhole insertion in my gums and pumps them with collagen to reverse their recession. He mentioned that I wouldn’t be able to brush the area for six weeks, but isn't "the area" pretty much my whole mouth? Will there ever be an optimal moment in my life to not brush my teeth for a month and a half? Who is getting this procedure? Is this just a scam to make my teeth rot so I’ll need further work done?

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The Oscars are in a few days; I feel pretty detached from this year's results, but I also saw enough of the Best Picture nominees that I want to discuss the race. I feel detached because much of what I loved in 2019 didn't get nominated, and many of the nominees I'm rooting for are projected to lose. It's bullshit that 14/16 nominated actors are white, 5/5 directors are men, and 0/99 nominees are Jennifer Lopez. It calms me greatly to remember what Parasite director Bong Joon-ho called the Academy Awards: a local film festival. It's impossible to quantify the "best" art, Oscar races are more about politics than performances, blah blah blah. And yet, here I am giving them FREE PRESS.

I'm not a film buff - in fact, it shocks people to learn some of the movies I've never seen. Titanic, The Matrix, The Holiday, Election, Lord of the Rings, E.T., Uptown Girls... I guess growing up I cared more about TV-time than movies, so I missed out on a basic education. The gaps in my film knowledge are largely my own fault; my family saw Avatar four times without me because I never felt like going. Now I'm envious of certain people's encyclopedic knowledge of film/film award history. Last year at a Vulture Oscars event, a fellow audience member was challenged to name every film Meryl Streep has been nominated for. This gay (of course he was gay) stood up and named, I believe, 20 out of 21 from memory. I wish I could do that; instead I just know the Heinz tomato ketchup ingredients in order (tomato concentrate from red ripe tomatoes, distilled vinegar, high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, salt, spice, onion powder, natural flavoring).

I want to change, so in recent years I've vowed to see every Best Picture nominee. Then I see, like, three. For the first time ever, I saw the majority this year - the only two I missed were The Irishman (too long, don't care) and Ford v Ferrari (too cars, won't win anyway). I admittedly did walk out of Joker after 45 minutes, but I had no interest in being there any longer and I felt I got the gist of it. I only went to see it because last year I made a personal rule (I love my arbitrary rules!): I have to see the Oscar films everyone's mad about so I can have informed opinions. I vowed to do this after eavesdropping on a completely asinine conversation between two men in favor of Bohemian Rhapsody. I forget the finer details, but their main talking point was that people were only critiquing it because it was the SJW thing to do. I wanted to interject and argue, but I hadn't seen it and I would've proven their point. Instead I made my vow and also said a prayer that the screenplay they were working on will go un-produced.

As my contribution to Oscars discourse this year, I've put together some LISTS. Without further ado (and with some LIGHT SPOILERS):

MY PERSONAL RANKING​ OF THE BEST PICTURE NOMINEES

1. Parasite

2. 1917

3. Marriage Story (I'm sorry, Little Women, I'm sorry!!)

4. Little Women

5. Ford v Ferrari (guessing)

6. The Irishman (guessing)

7. Jojo Rabbit

8. Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood & Joker tied for last byeeee to both

IF ALIENS LEARNED ABOUT EARTH'S HISTORY FROM THE BEST PICTURE NOMINEES, THIS WOULD BE THE ORDER THEY WOULD WATCH THEM IN (CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER)

1. Little Women

2. 1917

3. Jojo Rabbit

4. The Irishman

5. Ford v Ferrari

6. Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood

7. Joker

8. Marriage Story

9. Parasite

IT WILL FILL ME WITH GLEE IF...

1. Parasite wins Best Picture/picks up additional awards

2. 1917 wins anything that doesn't go to Parasite (I surprised myself by absolutely stanning 1917)

3. Florence Pugh wins Supporting Actress

4. "Into the Unknown" from Frozen 2 wins Original Song

5. Greta Gerwig wins for Adapted Screenplay

6. Anyone other than Quentin Tarantino win for Original Screenplay

WHO KRISTEN WIIG OR JESSICA SIMPSON SHOULD'VE PLAYED IN EACH FILM

1. Little Women: Jessica Simpson, Aunt March

2. 1917: Kristen Wiig, the German pilot

3. Jojo Rabbit: Kristen Wiig, Hitler

4. The Irishman: Kristen Wiig, ummm Anna Paquin's part?

5. Ford v Ferrari: Kristen Wiig and Jessica Simpson, Matt Damon and Christian Bale respectively

6. Once Upon A Time... in Hollywood: Jessica Simpson, the hippie who ditched in the getaway car

7. Joker: Jessica Simpson, the talk show host

8. Parasite: Jessica Simpson, the man living in the basement

9. Marriage Story: Kristen Wiig, Ray Liotta (I wrote this as "boy lawyer" while I double-checked his name)

SEQUEL NAMES FOR EACH MOVIE

1. Parasiite

2. 1918

3. Marriage Story 2: Meet the Stepparents

4. Littler Women

5. Jojo Rabbit 2: Back in the Rabbit

6. Ford v Ferrari v Volkswagen

7. Second Generation Irishman

8. Once Upon Another Time... Still in Hollywood

9. Joker 2: More Boring Upsetting Method Bullshit

FIVE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIES, ALL UNRECOGNIZED BY THE ACADEMY

1. Dirty Dancing (ignoring its Original Song win)

2. Diary of a Teenage Girl

3. Eighth Grade

4. Florida Project (ignoring Willem Dafoe's nom)

5. Other People

SOME OSCAR-RELATED THINGS I'D RECOMMEND

1. "What Happens in the Mirror Universe Where Sandra Bullock Loses Best Actress in 2009?" by Joe Reid

2. Past Oscar ballot Sporcle quizzes

3. Take a moment to remember how great the nominees were two years ago

OSCAR SPEECH QUOTES I THINK ABOUT EVERY DAY

1. "It came true!" -Anne Hathaway (2013)

Thanks for reading! Bye bye!

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[Originally published on TinyLetter]