Somebody please play Chutes and Ladders with me
Hi again!
250-WORD UPDATE ON MY LIFE
đ¨ New gig alerttt! đ¨ I havenât worked more than two weeks at a time in over a year, but now Iâm three weeks into a writersâ assistant job on a video game â itâs giving Gaymer, itâs giving Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, itâs giving this, itâs giving me health insurance. Not to be all, âRah-rah capitalism,â but Iâm thrilled to have some consistent income (and daily structure, and purpose) again. Maybe just one ârahâ is fine?
You might make the observation that I have practically no experience playing video games, to which I say: mind your own goddamn business and keep it down in front of my boss. Iâll have you know that I was so addicted to playing Neopets as a child that it was documented in the Wall Street Journal. That has to count for somethingâŚ
What I lack in experience, I make up for in charm. Take last Tuesdayâs meeting when I was asked to name a game I think is âmid.â I told the team about the period last year when I was playing Chutes and Ladders by myself; Iâd purchased the game on a nostalgic whim, but since none of my so-called âfriendsâ wanted to play a board game for preschoolers, I ended up beta testing a one-player mode. Beta test verdict: solo Chutes and Ladders is an extremely mid game.
That wasnât exactly what the question was asking, but the story was a hit. Could Zelda pull that off?? Could Princess Peach?? Seriously, could either of them? Iâm taking notes.
Me trying to skate past my knowledge gaps the next time Iâm asked a game opinion and canât just say Chutes and Ladders again:
I LOOKED UP THE NAMES OF THE TOP-SELLING VIDEO GAMES OF 2023 â HERE ARE MY BEST GUESSES AT WHAT THEYâRE ABOUT
#10: EA Sports FC 24. Ah yes, my other passion: sports. Iâm gonna guess âFCâ stands for âFootball Clubâ and this is European soccer? Itâs that or âFight Club,â so maybe you play as Brad Pitt and beat the shit out of Tom Brady.
#9: Star Wars Jedi: Survivor. Alien spin on the CBS hit competition show, but also itâs a video game. Yoda is Jeff. âDo it on Survivor, thatâs how you!â
#8: Mortal Kombat 1. The âKâ gives it away: this fighting game is a spin-off of the classic mobile game Kim Kardashian: Hollywood. You play as various members of the Kardashian-Jenner clan in the first few seasons of their show (back when they were mortal), beating the shit out of each other in their store DASH.
#7: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II. Modern Warfare is BACK, yâall! And this time, instead of shooting guns, youâre a pop star stan account in a Twitter battle. Kill âem in 280 characters or less!
#6: Diablo IV. Wait I legitimately know this one from that video game convention I worked at last year! Lilith, Daughter of Hatred, must be stopped. Stop her before itâs too late! (Oops, I guess I only know âstop Lilithâ⌠Btw I got to take home a Diablo IV bean bag chair that now lives in my garage.)
#5: The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. Zelda is BACK, yâall! And this time, sheâs on a mission to heal the emotional trauma of everyone in the Kingdom. No tears left to cry when sheâs through!
#4: Marvelâs Spider-Man 2. Spider-Man is BACK, yâall! And this time, heâs fighting⌠Doc Oc?
#3: Madden NFL 24. Football, period. Do you think Taylor Swift will make it into Madden NFL 25?
#2: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare III. Modern Warfare is BACK AGAIN, yâall! And this time, youâre still a pop star stan account, but Twitter is called X, thereâs no character limit on tweets, and youâre shooting guns now.
#1: Hogwarts Legacy. You play this game by collecting money IRL and giving it to a bigot. :)
FIVE SONG PLAYLIST
SOMETHING OLD:Â âWaters of Marchâ by Art Garfunkel
SOMETHING NEW:Â âThis Againâ by Jack Rabbit
SOMETHING BORROWED: âSpring Is Coming With A Strawberry In Its Mouthâ by Caroline Polachek
SOMETHING BLUE: âWill Anybody Ever Love Me?â by Sufjan Stevens
SOMETHING ELSE: âVideo Gamesâ by Lana Del Rey
A STRANGER CAME UP TO ME WHILE I WAS CATCHING MY BREATH ON A RUN AND WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION
David: [Panting heavily]
Woman: Are you okay? Did you lose your dog?
David: [Still panting] Uh, no. Did you find a dog?
Woman: No, you just looked frantic and out of breath, so I guess I invented this whole story in my head that you were running around looking for your lost dog.
David: No, just normal running.
Woman: Alright. Bye, then!
TWO RECENT PICS AND ONE SCREENSHOT FROM MY CAMERA ROLL
VANITY PLATE ROUND-UP
BE SINGN
MRS OCHO
PAPA MRÂ
XAMOUNT
BIG MESS
And spotted by Roy:
DID I EARN THAT BOY SCOUT MERIT BADGE?
Architecture: No. Here I am building a shelter on a camping trip in 2012 (photographer unknown, heavy Instagram filter by me).
Fire: No. Another Instagram post by moi from that same trip :
Art: Yes. To round out the Insta-triptych:
A RECENT NOTE ON MY PHONE WITHOUT CONTEXT
Did you know the phrase âcase and pointâ is short for âCasey Anthony pointâ?
QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR YOU â GENUINELY CURIOUS, PLEASE EMAIL BACK
How far could you run right now?
Is it more upsetting to you when someone doesnât remember your name or when you canât remember someoneâs name?Â
Whatâs something youâre over?
What are you looking forward to this week?
What do you think is a mid game?