The Substance (David's Version)
Hi again!
FIRST, A BIRTHDAY PARTY
Hi! Hi Again! is five years old! If it were a particularly precocious child, it could read itself by now!
Thank you for reading. I started this as a way to maintain a writing practice and express myself outside the context collapse of social media, and nnnooowww mmmooorrreee ttthhhaaannn eeevvveeerrr I’m grateful for the outlet. My earnest hope is that this newsletter brightens your day; on my end, few things in life make me happier than hearing back from you, whether it’s a response to a question or just to say hi. Don’t be a stranger! (By which I mean “don’t be shy” — I actually love hearing from strangers.)
None of my writing is behind a paywall, but there is the option to be a paid subscriber if you’re particularly fond of the newsletter and want to support me. Full transparency: I have mixed feelings about the paid subscription! I like for the option to exist, but sometimes I worry I’m not giving enough in return… I guess what I’ll say for now is that if you are a paying subscriber, go back to free whenever — I am not offended or disappointed by a downgrade. And on the flip side, if you do want to upgrade, here’s the button for that.
Maybe I can also do some sort of “thank you” for paid subscribers? If you have any suggestions for what that could be, please let me know in the survey.
Oh yeah, the survey. Would you be a dear and give me a little feedback? It can be anonymous! I’m particularly curious if some of my recurring segments have gone stale and I should cut or modify them.
500-WORD UPDATE ON MY LIFE
If you’re like me and skipped The Substance because you’re squeamish, maybe skip this section too. Are you gone? Great, so: I had a body horror experience last week that I feel compelled to share with anyone who’ll lend me their ear, especially since it pertains to mine.
Turns out I’ve been walking around with so much compacted wax in my ears that it took multiple ENT appointments to excavate. And I wasn’t even at the ENT for my ears! I was there to have a camera shoved down my throat, but before I could board that pleasure cruise, the doctor glanced at my ears for good measure and basically did a spit-take. “You have a huuuge wax buildup. When was the last time you had this cleared out?”
“Uhh…” A flash of fuzzy memory in a New Jersey pediatrician’s office. “It’s been… a few years.”
Ten minutes of scraping and suction later, I felt a whoosh in my left ear as the doctor extracted a hunk of wax the shape and size of a Mike and Ike. To paraphrase Ubah Hassan, Shrek WISH! Those earwax-flavored jelly beans WISH!
The buildup in my right ear was even worse and refused to budge; eventually the doctor gave up, prescribed me softening drops, and said to come back in a few days.
With Mike in the human waste bin and Ike granted a stay of execution, it was time to return to the reason for the season: my throat probe. All I’ll say about that is I think it’s wrong for a medical professional to approach you head-on with the probe they’re gonna snake up your nostril and down into your throat. Why is the length and girth of that thing any of my business? Sneak up on me, blindfold me, knock me out… Anything so I don’t have to grapple with just how much of a big boy I need to be in a minute. I don’t want to see that!
Back in the ENT waiting room earlier this week, the question on my mind was what happens if those drops weren’t enough? Would I need surgery, or could I live in symbiosis with Ike? Maybe we could be like that Fairly OddParents kid and his talking boil. I already kind of look like him…
Fortunately, some combination of the drops, my doctor’s determination, and a switch partway through the procedure to a stronger vacuum (I assume the strongest) did the trick. I felt the whoosh again, and as the wax dislodged from my ear, the doctor said in awe, “Wow, that’s… even bigger than I expected.” Shocking a doctor is a flavor of shame I hadn’t experienced before, but at least now I can relate to the shark in Jaws.
People have asked if I can hear better now, and the answer is yes. I feel like the lesbian mechanic in that one episode of Heroes — a reference I pray you understand and that leads me to my next topic…
A LIST OF RECENT HYPERFIXATIONS
Heroes season one. Experiencing this show from 2006 for the first time, I’m like, “TV is sooo back.” Has there ever been a more evocative phrase than “save the cheerleader, save the world”? I’m having nightmares about Sylar, shrieking at the Glee crossovers, and wondering just how many cute shirts Claire’s going to ruin with bloodstains and bullet holes. I’m obsessed.
Scheana Shay’s book cover, which looks like a still from Heroes.
Tell me this isn’t giving Niki/Jessica. You can’t.
Alison Roman’s baby name. Specifically: is she aware that her child’s name — Charlie Davis — can be shortened to CD-Rom?
Using the phrase “I was born too soon and I started too late” incorrectly. Like saying, “I was born too soon and I started too late” in reference to watching Heroes in 2025.
TWO PHOTOS AND ONE SCREENSHOT
VANITY PLATE ROUND-UP
27BEARS
16PUGS
4 U ME
3RD ACT
1DERWMN
Spotted by Madeline:
DID I EARN THAT BOY SCOUT MERIT BADGE?
Citizenship in the Nation: Yes. If you ever catch me gazing at an American flag, I’m not lost in patriotic thought — I’m testing myself to see if I remember the folding etiquette (I do).
Home Repair: No. Would’ve been useful the time my friend Matt and I were leaving my house for a Troop meeting and he ran through the glass front door.
Canoeing: No. The only time I got in serious trouble with my parents growing up was when I was caught plagiarizing an AP U.S. History assignment. I told them what I’d done Friday after school, but before they could decide my punishment, I had to leave for a Scout canoe trip. I spent the whole weekend in suspense, sorrowfully paddling down a river and moaning “my life is overrrrr.” Haven’t been in a canoe since.
A RECENT NOTE ON MY PHONE WITHOUT CONTEXT
BRAVO BASEMENT
I can’t believe Karla Sofía Gascón tweeted this in 2021…
QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR YOU — GENUINELY CURIOUS, PLEASE EMAIL BACK
How much cash do you have on you right now? Is that a typical amount?
Does your least favorite coworker know how you feel about them?
What are you on top of? Behind on?
How many movies have you watched so far in 2025?
Have you ever been to Utah?