Time to go blonde!
As Kim Kardashian once said, “I’m like dropping hints that I’m single. I’m single.”
Hi again!
250-WORD UPDATE ON MY LIFE
The prophecy of “St. Patrick’s Day” by John Mayer has been fulfilled: Kyle and I broke up last week. It is an amicable breakup, but still really, really sad. I’m grieving the end of my first relationship – 3.5 years with an amazing guy (who knows I’m writing about this, so don’t think I’m being gauche – and even if I am being gauche, I get a pass to spin out a bit while I’m GOING THROUGH MY FIRST BREAKUP, OKAY??).
Me laughing my ass off while writing about “Angela Bassett did the thing” in my last newsletter, not knowing I’d be processing a breakup in the next one:
A non-exhaustive list of things that have made me cry in the wake of my relationship ending: a can of tuna. “Supermodel” by SZA playing in a coffee shop. Someone using the word “alone” on a Zoom. “The End Of Love” by Florence + The Machine playing in an exercise class (if God is a DJ, that one’s a little on the nose, babe).
My hope is that we can stay in each other’s lives, and while I don’t know what that will look like, it’s a priority for me that we at least stay on good enough terms for an in-depth discussion of Wicked 1 (2024). To that end, we’re off to a good start: texting about the movie font reveal, which I think looks like it belongs on a Liquid Death can.
So now I’m in a position I’ve never been in before: knowing literally all the tea about a breakup. I have the answer to any nosy question! The gossip call is coming from inside the house! Sadly, the truth is that nothing salacious happened. That’s not fair to you, though, so here is…
A LIST: 10 RUMORS I AM TRYING TO GET OFF THE GROUND ABOUT WHY WE BROKE UP
I need to be alone to focus on
my careerbinging all of Vanderpump Rules as fast as humanly possibleHe got a job as a live-in nanny in Santa Monica and we don’t want to do long distance
We both cheated, got someone pregnant, and now need to prioritize our fatherhood journeys
I am an AI chatbot that’s been catfishing him for years
He had a late-in-life growth spurt and now he’s too tall for me to kiss/he doesn’t like how the top of my head looks/we can’t hear what the other is saying
We had a gigantic fight about whether or not the top stopped spinning at the end of Inception and can’t take back the things we said
I actually have a terrible personality and am a nightmare to be around
He was my fake boyfriend while I was running for president in the 2020 election (easily-forgotten early dropout candidate) and it was in his contract to stay in it this long to keep the lie alive
We are ending things in solidarity with our relationship role models Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly
I stole a crate of Ozempic needles off the back of a truck and won’t share
FIVE SONG PLAYLIST: SONGS THAT TWIST THE KNIFE
SOMETHING OLD: “Love Ridden” by Fiona Apple
SOMETHING NEW: “Jaded” by Miley Cyrus
SOMETHING BORROWED: “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again” by Dione Warwick
SOMETHING BLUE: “Both Hands” by Ani DiFranco
SOMETHING ELSE: “Down to You” by Joni Mitchell
A CURRENT FIXATION
The Columbia High School musical now has an Instagram, and I’m probably the first person to view eeevery story. They did spotlights on the seniors leading up to opening night, and two patterns from the bios haunt me:
They all say something like, “Something Rotten is Tabitha’s 4th musical, but only her 2nd time on the CHS stage due to covid.”
There wasn’t a single answer to “What was the first CHS musical you saw as a child?” from before I was in college.
Some good news, though: the mural from my Eagle Scout project in the choir room hasn’t been painted over! (I was worried.)
LINK TO SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET
My friend Johnny and I co-wrote a list of questions to ask on a first date, which you can find on his Substack vivid and pressing fancies – which I highly recommend, and not just because I’m a #JohnnyPartner!
OMG I just reread my journal entry from when I met Johnny six years ago – I asked him out on Grindr, we got coffee, I asked him out again, he politely declined, and I got pissed. Actual quote: “I hate him. I don’t want to be friends.” Sorry, Johnny! You were just a symbol! I take it back – I do want to be friends!
THREE RECENT PICS FROM MY CAMERA ROLL
A CONFESSION
I haven’t been practicing my Morse Code at all.
A HAIKU: SPRING
Firefighters are back
in training across the street
8 AM yelling
DID I EARN THAT BOY SCOUT MERIT BADGE?
Scuba Diving: No. But here I am snorkeling on Troop 5’s 2013 camping trip to the Virgin Islands (rocking my signature Lonely Island swim t-shirt so no one could see my body):
Law: No. But on that same trip, I had my very first alcoholic beverage: half a beer, under the supervision of my Boy Scout leaders, after my parents gave their permission for me to drink, which was legal there since I was 18.
Sustainability: No. You know what’s hard to sustain? Your friendships when you can technically buy beer for your friends but refuse to because we’re on a Scout trip, you guys!!!
A RECENT NOTE ON MY PHONE WITHOUT CONTEXT
He invented something that gay guys misuse
Get thee to a girlerie
Our old popcorn containers
“See the luck I’ve had can make a good man turn bad” -Taylor Swift, Reputation
QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR YOU — GENUINELY CURIOUS, PLEASE EMAIL BACK
Do you have stuffed animals in your room?
What makes you feel old? What makes you feel young?
Who do you think did/didn’t sing happy birthday to that guy at the Oscars?
What’s your best breakup advice?
Do you believe in life after love?
WHERE AM I AS I HIT SEND
Living room couch.
WHAT WILL I DO AFTER HITTING SEND?
Call my dad back.